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[Takanawa Leaysu]

hey guys, im working on a novle and was hoping to get feedback, sorry if it is erelavent to pleasurebonbon but i really need feedback


here it is





He dose not remember much of his past or the past of the demon Leviathan that rest inside him. He does know that this great demon is one the demon god that guards one of the circles of hell that was nearly killed but sealed inside Takanawa. Together they work as one to over come all that is in Takanawa’s way and because of this his life force is almost infinite. All he does remember of his past though is his training he had over 1532 years ago. He remembers his master and very few missions he had been on. Takanawa is on a search for his memories. His first real memory is awaking in a dark realm laying face first on rocks, his shirt torn, and his body weak. Before him laid a sword with 9 symbols etched on it. When he dragged his body to it and laded his hand upon it, it filled his body with power reviving him, and the demon. A new symbol appeared on his chest as a loud but genital voice spoke “here you are reborn; here is where you start over, A demon in search of his memory and a god sealed by 3 gates. Go into the world and find your destiny.”



As Takanawa leaves the shadow realm to this world he quotes: I’ve met you all in your dreams, you may not remember me, and I may not remember you, but we shall meet again in the realm of life and our story shall unfold.

Here is where he begins his story.


On his first day He wanders around this new world and his walk he finds a group of people, he desides to set near by. Takanawa sees that they are happy and ponders if it there memories that make them happy. He noticed a woman nearby telling another mans fortune. This mans name is Kaiza Ironheirt. She tells this man he needs a lover, and how he will die. Takanawa ponders to himself and stands up. He walks over and asked the woman named Ivy Uzumaki if happiness is derived from memories, she told him that it wasn’t and that memories can lead to some happiness or pain and that he must look in himself to find happiness. As the group continue in there conversation, Takanawa and Ivy wander off together. After a little flirting Takanawa asked her if she has ever seen the skies. Ivy was confused on this and didn’t know how to reply. While she thought Takanawa steps close and gently put his arms around her. As she blushes his wings explain as he trust his wings down and they both go soaring into the air. They both view the ocean of clouds as he noticed she was amazed. Takanawa was happy that he made his first friend in this new world. After flying a while he lands back near the group and sets her down. They chat for a few more moments as Takanawa noticed that he was tired and still weak. He tells everyone that he must go. On his way to find a place to call it a night a strange person stops him. This man look like Takanawa in some aspects, long hair, wings tail, but the man’s body type was a bid slender to Takanawa’s figure. This mans name was unknown to Takanawa but his intentions were clear, this man wanted to fight. Takanawa knew he was still weak and that all of his attacks were only at 10% but he also knew there was no way around this. Takanawa took his stances then used Leaf Dance (“Leaf dance: like the shadow kick, leaf dance is another bust of energy that allows one self to appear ether behind or in front of opponent ether on ground or air. A combination of attacks may fallow after leaf dance”). The demon flies to the air to avoid any attack but failed to do so as Takanawa attacks using Shadow kick. (“Shadow kick: a kick that is preformed using a burst of energy allowing ones self to appear before them and hurling them in the air,”) The demon flies back as he hits a tree. Takanawa stays in the air paying close attention to his opponent. The demon slowly rises and then summons his weapons. Dual Katanas with a red and black hilt, he raises his blade at Takanawa and yells the word “TOHSIE”. Takanawa Smiles as the demon shots lightning from his fingers at him, Takanawa doges it using shadow transport (“Shadow transport: Unlike teleportation this ability allows one to travel though the shadow realm by opening portals within shadows”) Then Takanawa appears behind him and uses Phinox barrage (“An attack that uses a dark flame element that is focused in the hands, it is a series of punches that speed is nearly unblock able. Each hit sends a shockwave of dark fame elemental power though the opponents body, damaging not only there body but there soul. This attack damages the user’s body as well.”) The demon flies back and bounces off the rocks. They both stand there breathing hard as The Demon spontaneously combusts with Wight flames. When the flames dissipate Takanawa knew that this fight was about to take another step up dew to the demons increased power, he decides to use a move that he knew that might destroy both The Demon and himself. Takanawa closes his eyes as he started the process. The demon swings his sword and causes a blade of wind to shot at Takanawa. His skin started glowing a very dark purple as Takanawa disappears at a speed unbelievable for a spit second as he yells “ACCELERATE”, his muscles denies, his eyes turn Wight. He laughs hysterically, looks at the demon and said “This move is called Accelerate, get ready”. (“Accelerate Exist: enhances all abilities and attributes by 1000%, it may cause extreme insanity one ones mind, the longer the ability is used the more damage is caused on ones self.) Takanawa stares at the demon with a blood lust in his eyes. The demon takes the offence and disappears in a sonic boom. The demon reappears above Takanawa, but Takanawa sees him and uses leaf dance to move above the demon. Faster then he could see. The demon strikes down were Takanawa was but misses as Takanawa swings down at the demon causing his own sonic boom. The impact causes a massive shockwave that carders the earth. When the smoke clears the demon was not there, but has reappeared in a tree. Takanawa laughs historically as he glances for the demon. The demon throws his sword towards Takanawa. As the sword reaches Takanawa he disappears with speed at his feet. He reappears next to the tree and cuts through it. The Demon ducks and snaps his fingers and as Takanawa swings his sword down it explodes in his hand and he drops the sword. His hand emerges from the smoke and lands across the demons face as the demon sweeps Takanawa. He uses his wings to fly him back, as soon as he lands he puts his hands together and with what little energy Takanawa summons his Magna Blast Exist (“ Magna Blast Exist: a much larger and more powerful blast of black flame element, this attack may level a city “). When the smoke cleared there was nothing around but the demon and Takanawa. The demon struggled to stand, and Takanawa knew that his own powers would be depleted any second. So in defense he uses the last of his efforts to perform Mind barrier. (“Mind barrier: This attack sends a wave of energy though the opponent’s body, after a 100th of a second, the opponents mind is cut off leaving the opponent paralyzed for a few moments.”) Once the demon was paralyzed Takanawa uses shadow transport to return to the shadow realm were he soon passed out. The demon regained mobility soon after Takanawa left; he stood up pleased with his battle and struggles to fly off. (TO BE CONTINUED.)

[Wallstreet]

You are correct. This is not relevant to PBB and you have placed it in the wrong forum. I would suggest posting in the general forum.

In response to your request, all I can say is you need alot of work. Your story seems very cliche, from your characters (Uzumaki? Like from Naruto?) to the way you describe the fight scenes, to the way your character fights in general (read: TOO MANY SILLY POWERS). And lets be honest, the internet it full of anime style readings like this. There are enough amnesiac winged heroes with swords and demons, that you cant expect to rise above the others if you continue to write the way you do. I can tell you have an idea of what you want to portray, you need to get better at telling people what you see. You need to have a sit down and read some good honest literature and try and comprehend how the author gets their point across.
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Who the hell is Ewan Bushmill?
A reference: http://forums.pleasurebonbon.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7319

[Takanawa Leaysu]

i do appreashiate the feedback, most of the names were not my chouse though, T_T (some of the peole are based of characters my friends made,) and i know its seatchy but this is only a ruft draft ^_^ thank you for your feedback ^^

[Takanawa Leaysu]

im going to leave this up for a day, then im going to take it off, i think i'll give up on it and just stick to my poems. . . thank you for the advice

[xxthalexx]

well you cant take off your thread but i think you should leave it up. i like it
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don't worry I'm just your average quantum physicist
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New Fursona
http://forums.pleasurebonbon.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=10247