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[xxthalexx]

well i dont know why im doing this, i suck at writing but hell i tried. give me your feedback, be truthful only way i can fix things. and this is only my rough draft by the way if people like it ill finish the story and fix this part up

Always happens to me. thought James as he was taking a breather behind a tree. He heard some shouting not that far away and he knew he had to keep going. But after 3 days of being chased he was thinking about giving up.he was at the base of a mountain and he couldn't find a way out without running into the mob that was chasing him. "James" he heard someone yell. their standing in front of him was the entire town torches pitchforks the whole stereotypical mob kinda thing. a male husky stepped out from the crowd and yelled "son stop running its only making it worse for you." "worse for me look around you. the 70 people around you want to kill me" yelled James his frustration rising a mad lion pushed his father out of the way "enough talk lets get him" he didn't want it to com to this and pulled out his fathers Enfield Revolver and fired straight up "I didn't mean for this to happen" James cried out to no one in particular. the large mob had grown quiet. just load enough for them to hear James said "it wasn't my fault and now that its come down to this i know i must leave and i will. ill go through the mountains ill probably die up there anyways but at least give me a chance to get out" holds up the revolver "i really don't want to hurt anyone" the mob was contested "hes only got 5 shots left" yelled some one in the back and James new it was true. if they decided to go after him he would just serenader he couldn't kill any of them even if they would kill him he would just hope they would believe his bluff after a few uncomfortable minuets some of them parted. a dark red fox stepped out "you may go, but if you go anywhere else we will kill you" James put his gun into the holster and went through the parted crowed. led by his father they went to a small cliff face "son head north don't ask why go until you see beautiful green mountains in the middle there is a town were you can restart your life it is a place were no one asks about your past. and here take this" and places a rather large bag of coins in his hands then continuous "you of course know you can never com back right" "yes father" replies James. So James started a long walk up the mountain not looking back knowing he'll never see his family again and he'll probably never see the town his father told him about .
END PROLOGUE
yea so.....yea just be truthful if you reply
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[Niam Maxtor]

If you like I can proof that for you. It's pretty good, but some of it doesn't make sense grammatically, I had to stumble through some of it. But your better at writing than you give yourself credit for.
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[xxthalexx]

its about 3 am i haven't slept for a while and i felt inspired for some reason but i would be thankful if you proof for me
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[Niam Maxtor]

Ah, it's only 1 am here, you must be central. I'll post it here in a sec I haven't eaten yet, It's been a long day.
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[xxthalexx]

no i live on the west coast but i cant change the clock on my computer and its always 2 hours ahead oh and thanks again im just way too tired and stressed
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[Marx-Paragon]

hmm, not bad. like niam siad, work on the gramar a bit and you'll be fine
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[Niam Maxtor]

[xxthalexx]

no no i like it thanks Niam and i think the answer to what i did might come at the very end
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[henkcobra]

a very good epilogue I must make some one of my own these days. use the same Niam Maxtor used to rewrite you first epilogue in your RP and it will be a sexy good story.
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[xxthalexx]

hey Niam if i continue to finish the story would you be willing to proof read for me
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[Niam Maxtor]

Sure, and also I don't mind if you use what I wrote.
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[xxthalexx]

sweet thanks
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[xxthalexx]

well 4 am im tired just ganna post part 2 and go to sleep

Cold. It was the only thought going through James head. When your wearing only Jeans and a light long sleeve shirt it gets pretty cold.
but he knew he was a pure bred husky and had a great family line and if they can survive in Alaska then he could do this. but with the snow
up to his knees and still coming down it was looking rather bleak. not having any time to gather anything before the mob was banging on
he didn't have matches for a fire or even food so he kept walking to keep his mind off the hunger two whole days James was in those
mountains no life no help as he said before he might just die in these mountains. he was about to just give up and let th cold take him
but in the distance he saw something he wasn't sure at first but thn he realized "A cabin! I'm saved!" and so he stumbled running for this
place that could just as well save his life. when he got to the top of the hill and up the stairs he quickly knocked on the door. a rather
scruffy looking raccoon opened the door and invited James in. for the first few seconds he was warm and then black. when James's vision
started to come back he realized he was behind bars but when then looked around and he saw once again that he was in trouble.
"finally your awake" said the raccoon who had just entered the room. James itched to shoot the raccoon on site, and he could have because
the raccoon didn't take his gun. "aww look at that look in your eye, your probably wondering why i didn't take your gun, well if you shoot me
and i die then you'll be locked up forever oh and don't worry about all those coins you had ill put them to good use and don't worry about
your cell the slavers should be along this week" slavers there still around thought James the raccoon still rambling on about many people
coming to his cabin for help and selling them allows him to earn his living or something and just at that second he heard a series of knocks
at the door "oh theirs the slavers well pack your things" and let out a rather stupid laugh and opened the door, 6 slavers entered a lion, 2 bears,
a tiger and 2 smaller foxes. "only one this month coon" said the lion who seemed to be the leader "yea its slow in the winter months but it
will pick up in summer" one of the bears promptly handed the raccoon a pouch of coins and took James out of the cage. being held by the bears he
knew he couldn't do anything without getting severely injured so he decided to stay put. while he had his back turned to one of the foxes h heard
a "oye boss look wat he got" the fox quickly swiped his Enfeild away from his holster and tosses it to the lion who promptly pockets the bullets
and puts the gun back in James's holster and says "every man loves his weapon and as long as you don't try anything you can keep it" the bears dragged him outside were a large wagon with a empty medium sized cage on it and was thrown in it "enjoy your new home" said the tiger who had been quite the entire time. the foxes the lion and the tiger all got in the cart while the bears grabbed the front and started to pull it a long dragging it through the snow James could only think god were am i going
END PART 2
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[Niam Maxtor]

The story is good and I am intrigued as to were it will lead, I'm fixing it up here in a few but I'd like to give you some pointers if you don't mind.

First off you lump everything together in one large paragraph which makes it hard to read as it is easy to lose one's place.

Second, you have characters talking back to back, this can be confusing as sometimes the reader will believe that the character before is the one speaking, what I do is seperate character into there own blocks. For example

[Niam Maxtor]

[xxthalexx]

after reading both mine then your edited version i must say that i need some work but i still thank you for your help
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[Niam Maxtor]

Aside from adding a couple of words here and there, and slight changes in grammar, the edited versions are your work only re-organized. Like I said the story is good.
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[xxthalexx]

well Ive finished the last part and then it will be done
3 months. 3. being stuck in a cage it seems like it gets smaller everyday. with nothing to do he thought he was slowly going insane he felt like he was forgetting the reason he left. but he kept a hold on it like it was the wall keeping his sanity inside. they had swiftly left the mountains and crossed many terrain and as of this moment he was gnawing on a chicken leg thinking on how to escape until the bone cracked in his mouth and James pulled it out slowly looking from it to the lock to the slavers he decided he must try. after they had there share of whiskey and passed out James decided the time had com for him to leave before its too late reaching out with the bone he tried to fiddle around with the lock he wasn't much of a locksmith but luckily for him it was a pretty cheap lock, the slavers not expecting anyone to try to run away he quickly swiped a bag from the cart and ran h ran till dawn witch was around the time the slavers made a little discovery and he heard a hell of a lot of angry yells coming over the horizon he was free and happy and he decided to bed under two fallen trees that collided to form a tent he quickly unpacked the back nothing to use only scrapes of food but in a side pocket he found the bullets that the lion had taken so many months ago and promptly loads his revolver takes the scrapes of food and one or two more good items in a handkerchief tied it to his waist and continues to run. James stayed off the open road to be safe but after a few days he had to take to the road for beautiful green mountains started closing in as he entered a Vally. James was tired, hungry, and could barely walk but he knew ahead was the town that his father had talked about and as he reached the top of the hill he saw a nice little town in the bottom of the Vally and he starts to slowly stumble down into the down not knowing were to go he went to the first place he saw a rather luxurious mansion but before he had a chance to knock his body reached its peak where he passed out head hitting the door twice with his head. he could think of one thing and only one thing, i made it and blacked out
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[Niam Maxtor]

[xxthalexx]

sweet its finally finished oh and Niam if i post this anywhere else ill give you joust as much credit
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[xxthalexx]

Written By: James T.Hale
Proof Read And Edited By: Niam Maxtor

It always happens to me, thought James. He was taking a breather behind a tree. He was gasping for air when suddenly he could hear shouting. It wasn't far, in the distance he could see the glow from the torches, they were close, he had to keep running. It had been three days now and James' body was at it's limit, and he was on the verge of giving up. When reached the base of the mountain, there was nowhere left to go.

"James!" Someone shouted his name, and soon he was surrounded. The mob had him cornered against the rock and around him on three sides, no escape. They had fire in there eyes, and hatred in there faces. Several waved their pitchforks and torches at him menacingly, the time had come. A figure emerged from the rest of the group and walked forward. It was a husky, it was his father. "Son," he said, "stop running. It's only going to make things worse for you."

"Worse for me!" James said his voice dripping with sarcasm and rage, "look around! The people all around you want me dead!" A Lion pressed forward from the group, and stood next to James' father.

"Enough of the talk!" He bellowed, rallying some of the crowd, "Let's kill him and be done with it!"

James did not want it to have come to this. He pulled out his fathers revolver, an Enfield, and fired a shot into the air.

"I didn't mean for this to happen!" Shouted James. He might as well have been talking to tombstones, the group was silent, but menacing. James continued, "it wasn't my fault, and now that it's come down to this I know I must leave, and I will! I may not make it through the mountains alive but I do not wish to be hunted in this manner, please, I just want to leave. I really don't want to hurt anyone." Several people in the mob seemed to be contested.

"He's only got five shots left!" Rose a voice from the crowd. "Would you like to be one of those five!?" Said another. James knew it was true, his fathers revolver was only a six-shot which was common. If they came for him he wouldn't shoot, he would try to surrender if he could, but judging from the looks on some of there faces it would be a futile act. Soon the minutes began to pass by. Tension was building.

Another emerged from the crowd, a dark red fox. "You may go," he said slowly. "But if you ever come near these lands again we will kill you." James slowly holstered his weapon, and walked through the crowds, lead by his father. They parted for him and kept distance. His father lead him to a small cliff face.

"Son," he said, "you must head north," his father pointed, indicating the direction. "Don't ask why you must just go. Travel until you find a lush green valley between the mountains. In the bottom of the valley is a town. A town called Bon Bon. There you can restart your life, for it is a place where no one asks questions. Take this." His father handed him a rather large coin purse. "You can never return here again." His father was solemn, and had disappointment in his voice.

James bowed his head. "Yes father," he said. He began to walk, alone in the night. Not once did he turn or look back, leaving his life and his family behind him. The road before him was long and he did not know if he would live to find this place. Bon Bon...

----------------------------------------------

Cold..., thought James to himself, at this point it was the only thing going through his mind. The wind howled at him and seemed to scrape at his flesh. When the only thing you've got on is Jeans and a long sleeve blouse, it gets cold, real cold. We huskies are a hearty breed, he thought trying to reassure himself, my people have survived in the frozen lands of Alaska, compared to that this is nothing! His thoughts sounded hollow, even to himself. By snow the snow was coming down, everything was covered in white, a white darkness...

"No!" Shouted James' to no one in particular, he was beginning to fade. He'd had no food and no water. No supplies to speak of in that manner, he didn't have time to grab much of anything when the mob had come for him. He look a few more steps and colapsed in the snow. This is it, he thought to himself, lost in the mountains alone... cold... hungry... and surrounded by the darkness, the white darkness. There was nowhere he could go and no shelter he could see...turning his head slowly he looked around, there was nothing it was nothing but white as far as he could see, just white and that cabin...

"A Cabin!" James leaped to his feet filled with a new energy, "I'm saved!" He half-ran, half-scurried up the hill, onto the porch and up to the door of the cabin, it was his only salvation in this icy hell. James banged on the door, after a pause it opened, and a rather scruffy looking Raccoon poked his head out to see what the commotion was about. He opened the door and motioned for James to enter. Doing so James came inside, it was paradise compared to the outside, he began to warm his hands in front of the fire place... then everything went black.

"Uhh...," James moaned as he started to come to, "my head..." Things were starting to come back into focus now...

"Looks like your finally awake," said a voice James didn't recognize, it belonged to the Raccoon.

Shaking his head James rose to his feet and looked toward the voice...to see bars blocking the space between them, he was in a cell. "What the Hell is the meaning of this!?" Shouted James, he gave the Raccoon a look that could have turned Medusa into stone. He could feel the weight of the pistol at his side. Why didn't he take my weapon away... thought James. He was itching to shoot the raccoon on site, but held back.

"Aww...," said the raccoon mockingly, "I've seen that look in your eye before, yes I have." He pulled up a stool and sat looking at James. "I bet your wondering why I didn't take away your gun aren't you? Well I figure if you shoot me you'll be stuck in that cage until you starve to death." The raccoon chuckled to himself. "Oh and about those coins you had," the raccoon added contiuning to mock him, "I'll put them to good use. Don't worry about sitting in that cell to long either, the slavers will be over right quick."

Slavers..., thought James to himself with disbelief, I can't believe that they are still people like that left... The raccoon began to ramble on about how people would come to his cabin, like James did, looking for help only to be sold into slavery, for a tidy profit. James ignored the man, One day you'll get yours... A knock came on the door.

"Oh!" The raccoon exclaimed, "There's the slavers now! Don't worry I'm sure they'll pack up all your things!" He was laughing to himself histerically, James figured that the old 'coon was insane. He opened the door and Six figures walked inside. It was a Lion, two bears, a tiger, and two foxes, the foxes where small and short with crafty eyes, the kind of scum that always tagged along with this kind of crowd.

"Only one this month 'coon?" Said one of them, it was the Lion. The others seemed to stand a little beside and behind them. James decided that he was the leader.

"Yeah," said 'Coon, James decided that was his name. "It gets slow in the winter, but It'll pick up come the summer time." The Lion only grunted and the raccoon fell silent.

Looking over to one of the bears the Lion nodded, in turn the bear pulled out a coin purse and tossed it to the raccoon. Then walking forward opened James' cage and hauled him out of it. Soon both of the bears held his arms with tight grip he was wedged between them, he couldn't escape. James decided to wait and watch. One of the foxes came up behind James.

"Oye, look what he's got here Boss," said the fox grabbing James' gun and tossing to to the Lion. At first the Lion said nothing, unloading the gun. He pocketed the shells and walked back toward James, and placed the gun back into it's holster.

"Everyman loves his weapon," said the Lion, his voice flat and empty, just like his eyes, "be a good boy and you can keep it." With that the bear dragged him outside, not even giving James the chance to walk for himself. Outside there was a cart, in it was a medium sized cage. The bears threw him into it.

"Welcome to your new home," said the tiger. It was the first time he spoke but James could tell he was a cruel man. The Lion, the two foxes and the tiger hopped in and the two bears began to pull the cart through the snow.

What will happen to me now? Thought James, he could only wonder and hope as they pulled the cart through the snow, once again into the white darkness...

---------------------------------------

Three Months. Not one. Not two. Three. Though James to himself. Every minute of everyday he was stuck in that cage it seemed to grow smaller. With nothing do do he felt as if he was going insane, he felt like he was beginning to lose sight of why he'd left in the first place. He held onto that memory with a grip as strong as steel. It was like a wall that was holding what little sanity he had left inside.

After the slavers had placed James in the cage they had traveled swiftly across the mountains, and to many different places following there route. It seemed that the 'Coon's cabin was the last 'pick up' on there list. James didn't know where they were taking him but it must be far. They had traveresed through mountains and forests alike, James did not care anymore, it all had melded together. That night he'd been told of a new chance seemed like a distant memory now...

James gnawed on the leg bone of some half-eaten scraps the slavers had thrown to him. On there last stop they had picked up food and drink and some other small supplies. Suddenly the bone broke. One of the pieces was long and thin. Well this might work..., thought James. He looked from the bone fragment to the lock then to the bone again, then to his guards. They were passed out. One of the 'supplies' they had picked up was Whiskey, and some pretty pontent stuff by the look of it. They were out. Cold. James tried at the lock for a few moments occasionally glancing at the slavers. After a bit of effort the lock opened, quietly. James slipped out of his cell.

Well, thought James to himself, it seems it's time for this dog to check out. James made his way over to the cart grabbing what he could find in the dim light of dusk he stuffed it into a bag and made off. He ran. He ran long and hard through the night and up until the rising sun of dawn. Looking back he had put quite a distance between himself and the slavers, it was unlikely that they could find him now. They should be waking up right about now... thought James to himself, and almost, as if on que, he could hear a faint noise in the distance, he couldn't make it out by he knew what it was. The slavers had made a little discovery, and it was not one they liked, eventually the shouts faded and all was quite in the morning sun.

James walked for a spell, until he stumbled upon a pair of broken trees. They had fallen is such a manner as to create a small tent beneath them. James decided that that was a good place to rest. He sat, and opened the bag of stuff he had taken before. There wasn't much of anything he could use, just some scraps of food and the shells the Lion had taken from his gun. Of these James reloaded back into his revolver. Gathering twigs and dead grass and the like James made a small bed and slept under the tree.

When James awoke it was midday although he could not tell you what day it was as he had no idea of how long he'd been out. He took the remainder of the scraps and placed them in a handkerchief, tying it to his belt. It was time to continue his journey. He traveled through the woods for a time until he came upon a road. James followed that same road for a few days. His food ran out after a couple of days but James pressed on. Eventually the forest became lush and green and he was surrounded by mountains. He was in the valley his father spoke of. Reaching the top of a hill he could see the town below. He was tired and hungry but he began to run toward the town. He stumbled and tripped several times but just got up again and continued to run. He headed towards the first building across his path, it was a luxurious mansion, he headed straight for the door but when he arrived he could not even conjure the strength to knock. His legs gave way and he fell against the door his head knocking against it.

As the darkness enveloped him James could only think of one thing. I've made it. Then everything went black.

EPILOGUE
After being nursed back to health by Miss Scorpia the owner of the mansion James decided that he needed to start his new life. After doing a few odd jobs and building a small fund he bought a small building and turned it into a winery. After a period of six months he was able to expand and create the Hale winery were he was slowly gaining wealth. To this day he still keeps his revolver on him and is usually a little on edge but it just goes to show you, good people always come out on top.
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[Niam Maxtor]

I see it in it's completed form, cool.
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[JohnnyPsycho]

Finally got a chance to read this, and I liked it. It keeps just enough mystery about James' past to keep it interesting, while adding a bit of adventure as well.

I'm only assuming you put Miss Scorpia's name in the Epilogue because of your involvement in her RP thread, right?
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[xxthalexx]

[xxthalexx]

[JohnnyPsycho]

...you gave the short story you wrote for an adult-themed website to your son as a classroom assignment?
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[Niam Maxtor]

[xxthalexx]

[JohnnyPsycho]

[xxthalexx]

he went on my computer and printed this off from my word doc. apparently he didn't do his work so he stole me and Niam's
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