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[Zombie]

Hey guy's and Alley, I know it's been awhile since I've kinda posted around here and or given an update on the "situation" I had and issue's with Prescription Pain Pills. Also apologize for being away from the chats and haven't been coming to them.

I might have mentioned some of this in the other thread, so I apologize if it "sounds the same" but just gonna kinda recap a little bit.

I had a "serious" let it all out on the table and be totally honest with my Dr. about the last few years. I basiclaly told her everything without putting blame on her because quit frankly it wasn't her fault. I'm an adult and she shouldn't have to be "holding my hand" with medications and I should have came clean ALONG time ago with her. I was scared as hell and thought she was going to drop me or like report me to the pharmacy board and what not. However she was completely understanding and appreciated that I was able to tell her what had happened and what I had gone through and what I was able to do by myself to quit. She was kinda surprised because I never came off or even gave any indication that I was like addicted and taking more then I was supposed to and what not.

So I explained everything. We looked at everything that I've been doing. I had to stop going to Physical Theropy sometime this year because my "medicaid" that I had for me ran out and I just couldn't afford going paying a co-payment with my medical insurance from work. So we had to stop that and I just took in everything that I was doing with them and stuff they showed me to do at home and stuff and did it on my own (and still continue to do so). Also I was able to get approved for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) for the mornings when I have a hard time getting up and walking if I'm able to at all sometimes. So now I'm able to call in an hour or two or however much I need not to exceed 32hrs in a week. Of if I'm having trouble in the afternoon I can leave early or for Dr appointments. Also we're doing back treatments, with a "Tens Machine" I believe it's called. Basically they put like patches on my back and I get electricuted. Also I get massages at work twice a month when they offer them. (we have a gym inside our building and like a wellness center, and a company comes like every week and gives massages)

We also discuss medications. We talked about everything we have "tried" and that I've taken. How it made me feel, how often I would take, when the pain comes and goes, EVERYTHING basically. So we decided to try some other stuff. We did one called "Opana" I believe it was. It was a time released medication for up to like 10-12hrs however it only like worked 8-10hrs and was EXTREMLEY hard to find and way way expensive as it was and still a new medication. I explained how I wanted to stay away from getting hundreds of pills for a month because I was scared that I would lose the will power one day and I would be back to where I was at a year ago.

All during this time I was and still am keeping a "Pain Journal". Something I have with me all the time and I write in there when I'm hurting, where, how bad, if I need to take ANYTHING for it even an over the counter medication to prescribed medication. How much, how long it last's, what else I do to control it or to feel better. We've noticed majority was during nights and mornings when I wake up. Then like spurts during the day depending what I'm doing. Also doing blood test's to make sure I haven't killed my liver with the abuse I was doing before as well as random drug test's to make sure I only had what I was suppose to have in my system. Now random meaning when I come in for an appointment/treatment or even when I'm work if I get a call then it means to come in. We wrote up a "Narcotic" contract saying I can ONLY get "controlled/narcotic" medication from her and in some weird "emergancy" situation like from an emergancy room. Also I can ONLY get them from ONE Pharmacy and they will ONLY fill with my Dr's approval if from someone else (like an ER Dr.). The contract is with her, me, my family (mom & aunt), my friend that I was afraid of telling that I was still taking pills all that time, and the pharmacy. She also get's reports from my medication/prescription insurance once every 3 months that shows EVERYTHING that I have had filled and when and by whom. Also if I got my medication "lost/stolen" I could NOT get an early refill or replacement NO MATTER WHAT!

So that's when we tried the different one's along with the treatments and everything. What we finally were able to come up with and I've stuck to is an extended release of the "Oxycodone" that doesn't have any tylenol. That actually last's like up to the 12 hrs it states, sometimes might wear off sooner or still be helping. Because of it being an extended release this isn't something that I can just take as needed as it needed to "build up" in my system and I had to keep on a regular every 12hrs schedule. So we started off with 80mg's of that. So one in the morning at 730am and then one at night at 730pm. Also I take the hydrocodone again but ONLY for breakthrough pain here and there, which is mainly in the morning and like late eve/night. That is to be used as needed with no more then 3 per day if that.

I can honestly say that I am feeling the best I have in a very long time. I don't feel droggy, edgy, not to much pain, able to sleep well and through the night, also on a regular sleep schedule now (thats why I've been missing the chats because they're when I'm already in bed). Also I haven't felt "sick" or worried. I feel like a normal person again and not controlled by a pill basically. I'm not counting them to see what I can "play" with or anything like that. I havent ran out of my medication early. Nothing negative basically has happened.

What we've been able to find is -
2 "degenerating" (I think its called, like dissapearing) disc's
1 Bulging disc (thats what the massages help to kind push into place but keeps slipping out again slowly)
3 hairline cracked/fractured vertabre's
very weak muscle's in the back.

So defitnitely have problems and we're looking to do surgery but not in a hurry as it's not "as serious" and the thing that scares me is if something messes up I can become paralized, so it's also something I'm not in a hurry to do as well.

I go in like once/twice a week for treatments, she also gives me a break in charging me if I come twice and it's like the end of day and not busy as well as being able to pay as I can (of course not getting to behind) since she knows that's why I had to stop the PT. I turn in my journal for her to keep copies and I abide by the contract that was created. I talk to my friend a lot about whats going on and how I feel. I sometimes have issues with my "family" so we don't talk to to much but sometimes I will. Also my boss at work know EVERYTHING thats going on and what I've been on (before I was telling him what I was trying and how much and stuff).

So in all, I'm doing great. I've been keeping straight and not letting my bad side take over and really putting effort into keeping everything legit. I've also cut off friendships from the "wrong crowd/friends" like my one friend who IS addicted and still is and would ask me for my pills and what not. I've met new friends at work and even some old ones I havent talked to in awhile. I don't drink as much if at all anymore (also really can't because of the 12hr medication). I think a lot has to do with being open and not having this cloud over my head anymore and not "Hiding" anything and being open. There are sometimes when I think about taking extra's but then I always look at my front page of my journal with what I wrote which is basically a paragraph of what I had gone through and how it made me feel and the people I would let down and like some motivation stuff in it along with "If I'm reading this right now, then it's because I'm bored and have to much time to think so go immediatly and take a drive, window shop, clean a room/closet, organize something, play a video game, do something with the kids, just put this down and GO DO SOMETHING!!" and that wins everytime.

So that's what has happened and been going on. I hope this isn't a "letdown" to anyone and hope everyone understands.

It's a long road, but I don't think I'll ever be pain free. However I've noticed that these "drugs" do work wonders if used the right way and the way it was ment to.But besides all the "drugs/medications" its the other stuff I do to try and get it better. THere's not much we can do for the disc's that are basically rotting and going to be missing/gone, but we are able to at least help me live a comfortbale life and not be in misery and or even in a blackhole controlled by something so small. Granted it's still kinda "controlling" it's not controlling me in a negative way.

Well time for bed. I'll post a little more tomorrow. But I've been meaning to come and tlak with you all and explaining what has happened for awhile now. So in all I think I'm doing the right thing? What do you all think? And Alley if you get time what is your view on this? Have I let any of you down in any way?

Goodnight everyone and talk again soon..

Jake
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[mt]

I don't know what I would've done in your shoes, Z. Keep heading down the right path.
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In a perfect world, you get all Alley, all the time.

[tyger]

I'm glad you're doing well, Zombie. I've kinda been where you are now though not as serious as I was dealing with pain and numbness in my arms. I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease last year. I have had my fair share of pain pills and cortizone shots before finally opting for fusion surgery. Although I have 1-2% nerve damage, I've been relatively pain-free since the surgery and weened myself off of the pills I was prescribed (although I still have some for occasional reoccurances of pain).

I think surgery is probably your best option as you have tried just about everything else. It's important to do the physical theraphy as much as you can in order for the muscles in your back to strenghten so that will lessen the pain you feel (I at least hope that it will). Just take it one day at a time (especially after the surgery) and know that you won't be cured and pain-free overnight. Cheesy I know but it works. I hope the surgery works for you.

[j3a]

hey zombie -

it's always good to hear from you, i wonder a lot how you are doing!

i don't think you have let anyone down at all, especially yourself - you are doing what really needs to be done for your health. as long as you are not slipping back down the dark path that you were headed before, you are all good!
just keep your head on straight, and do what you have to do to get better!!

take care my friend!!

[Zombie]

I'm thinking of it to, just scared being somewhat at a young age. I'll be 28 on Tuesday!! WOO lol

One cool thing kinda, my Dr had to cancel all apointments the other day and that just happened to be my refill date. I actually didn't get "sick" or anykind of "withdraw" feelings that I would get in the past when I would run out early. Now I didn't run out "early", just ran out when I was supposed to and I felt find. Was sore and had a rough night not being able to get comfortable because just felt like straining, but the other nasty feelings wasn't there. I talked to the Dr about that, and she stated was because I wasn't "abusing" it anymore that my body wouldn't freak out like that. So I have a good feeling that if I do get the surgery and I don't need anything anymore then it shouldn't be hard to not have anything.

On a sad note today though, my uncle passed away this morning. It's thought that he died in his sleep, we don't know what caused it yet, but I'm just hoping it wasn't anything painful or anything he could have felt. It's scary to know that you lay yourself down for the night and not know if your gonna even wake up in the morning. I haven't been by to see my aunt and cousin just yet. I tend to take these family things really hard. Even when he had half his leg amputated it was hard for me to go visit especailly while he was in the hospital. They just freak me out to much because hospitals aren't normally the happiest place's to be at. Also kinda hard to go with a lot of family there and then to bring my kids as they don't really understand death that much. But I'm praying for his wife and step son and that they are able to get through this as well as my grandma. I know she's going to take this hard and god forbid something happen to her because of this I don't know what I would be able to do then as she's more like my mom then my real mom, so that would defitnitely mess me up for awhile.

It's things like this that you start to think on how we take so many things for granted even just "knowing' that we're going to get up in the morning and carry out our daily activities. It also couldn't come at a harder time for them as he didn't have insurance and they were like dead broke. However the family is banding together like most do and trying to help out.

A little off topic, but just wanted to talk about it for just a moment as it makes it a little easier on me because he was a close uncle as well and my only uncle as my other one passed away about 6-7 years ago.

Well, if I'm not able to make it through the weekend hope everyone has a great weekend and be safe and cherish every moment you have as we never know when something like this could happen to us or even a loved one that you might not be able to see or talk to again.

Jake
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